I’m experimenting with something for the next week or so. I notice that I haven’t been posting to my blog as often as I should, but I post what amounts to mini blog posts on Instagram regularly. I can’t seem to find a way to automate the transfer of those posts into WordPress, but for now I’d like to try simultaneously posting the more thoughtful posts here.
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Original IG post text:
Side Plank #independencearmy – sorry for the amount of skin in this pic, didn’t have clients for my 6am so I did some flow of my own at home & these were the clothes I had on, couldn’t grab more without waking the rest of the family. Great way to start the day!
Adding:
First, let me say that I got nothing but positive encouragement from my followers on Instagram. Which is why I love IG, it’s such a positive place. Some of these friends I only know from Instagram! It’s like Twitter used to be.*sadface* My followers on IG are a) largely fitness buffs like myself, primarily interested in the poses and photography rather than oogling, and b) female. I have very few male followers and only allow those whom I trust to be professional.
But let me back up and provide context, in case you have been living in a hole each Spring when the blog posts about modesty re-circulate. The most popular post this year was this post from a woman asking other women to help her protect her marriage by not posting pictures of themselves baring skin.
I saw a lot of criticism of that post regarding the writer’s marriage, and I am going to completely disregard that as none of our business. I understand her intent, and as a highly conscientious person I seriously consider her legitimate feelings.
Once we know that someone is offended or bothered by something, we are responsible for what we do with that knowledge. To act upon our knowledge or ignore it is a choice.
Here is an example of what I mean.
At the beginning of this swimming season, I owned one swimsuit. A two-piece with full coverage of top and bottom that I wore before kids and through 2 pregnancies. I was planning on wearing it for another year when I participated in a discussion with very close friends about their comfort levels wearing bikinis at our neighborhood pool, some in regards to appropriate modesty front of the husbands. Because this is our first year to join the neighborhood pool and be around my friends’ husbands at a pool, I was not sure what to do. I had just purchased a second swimsuit so that I would be able to cycle between the two if one was in the wash. They were both two pieces! Both full coverage of chest and rear end, but definitely two pieces. Were they modest enough?
I choose to care about my friends’ comfort levels, so once they have shared their concerns, I am responsible for my choices in light of this knowledge.
What I am not responsible for is interpreting the reactions of those who have not shared their concerns with me.
Another example: My favorite tongue-in-cheek response to the modesty post this year was this one: When Suits Become a Stumbling Block. The intent of that parody was to point out that it is nearly impossible for the person wearing the clothing to pinpoint whether certain clothing or behaviors would make someone else “think inappropriate thoughts”. And how ridiculous it would be to ask everyone else to stop doing anything that makes them attractive in any way.
While I am happy to honor the concerns of my friends who tell me what makes them uncomfortable, I am not responsible for determining all the nuances of every individual’s comfort level, as the satirical post illustrates.
So this is what I did: I went out and bought swim shorts for one suit and a tankini top for the other. It was the cheapest thing to do, and I hope it increased the modesty of them both. I did this because I love and respect my friends who were not OK with their husbands seeing women in a standard bikini. I still wear the non-tankini and non-shorts pieces in my backyard with the kids and my husband.
In light of such responsibility, which has it’s limitations within the knowledge we possess, one more thing I want to address about that modesty post (and comments that I occasionally get from other women/clients): it’s not ok to say that you would dress more scantily if only you looked a certain way.
I want to paste some excerpts of the comments I got on my IG post:
Don’t apologize! If I had your body I would walk around in my swimsuit. Everywhere.
Gorgeous bod!! If I looked like that, I would wear that little all of the time!!
I’d grocery shop in that if I looked like you!
If you re-read the modesty post, you will also find this line in her post:
If I was skinny with rock-hard abs and legs from here to Mexico, I’d want to take lots of pictures of myself. Mostly naked. I would want to post them with a nice filter on Instagram, and share them with whoever might see.
Here’s the catch, lady: you just told everyone else they shouldn’t. Which means you don’t get to, either
You couldn’t because of people like you, posting blog posts telling people who look a certain way that they aren’t allowed to wear certain things. Putting conscientious people like me, who genuinely respect your feelings and want to do the right thing, in a very odd place when it comes to clothing.
Which begs the question: are you asking other women to cover up out of genuine concern for modesty, or out of your own body image insecurity? I’m completely respectful of other women’s legitimate requests for modesty. I can and will dress according to specific requests, if needed. But I am not responsible for protecting you from your view of yourself, which is an impossible target for me to hit. I can’t see inside your brain.
My sweet Instagram followers are not judgemental or even critical. What makes me sad is that, at the core, the phrase, “If I looked like that…” expresses dissatisfaction with the speakers’ body. I get this from my clients a lot and I want you all to know that your bodies are strong and capable. We also know that the images we see in the media are not real. I want you to stop comparing yourselves and enjoy your physical bodies!
The reality is, there are some people like the modesty post blogger who are judging someone who is fit even more harshly than they would judge someone who is less fit. The same woman who applauded this awesome lady for wearing a two piece swimsuit might write that blog post asking that we not post pictures of ourselves at the pool because we’re not overweight.
As a conscientious fit person, I’m always open to constructive feedback. And I’m sure that I have body issues of my own. But please do not confuse insecurity with impropriety. Most of all, let’s examine our motives and stop the comparisons.
I have a lot of feelings and opinions about this, but I do not think you want a novel. Modesty is relative. Covering more flesh won’t necessarily keep a man from ogling.
I loved this. You are right, Jenny. It’s the heart that matters. Yes, we have a certain responsibility not to cause our brothers to stumble, but there are some women that have that ability wearing a burlap bag! I absolutely LOATHED the “stop posting your pictures for my husband to see” post because, in part, of the comments you made. But, also because she’s treating the issue of the female struggle with beauty and body image as an external problem. Her thesis: I would struggle less, my husband would want me more, if everyone else looked different.
And, it’s just not true. Beauty is elusive. It’s a destination we never reach. When you set your life up as a beauty contest you will never win.
Back to modesty though…What I like to tell people is, like you said, it’s the heart that matters. If your intent when you get dressed is to make sure everyone would award you the “hottest body in town” -then I think that’s a heart issue and where the modesty line gets crossed (modesty defined as a humility applied to the way we dress).
Thanks for this insightful post. I really loved it!
I agree with the first person who commented, I have a lot to say about this. I appreciate that you respect your friends wishes, but it is also apparent that they are the ones that have a problem with it (ie threatened by you wearing a bikini in front of their husbands). Men aren’t savage animals that are suddenly going to cheat on their wife if they see a woman in a bikini, we need to give them some credit here. Sure some men are pigs, but the scenario you laid out misses reality. Men are seeing naked and bikini clad women everywhere! Finally, there is always a certain “dress for the occasion” which includes modesty, but at the end of the day wear what you want. It’s all about we hold ourselves and bodies in the clothes we wear. I have a little tummy, and I let it all hang out, spill out and roll up when I’m at the pool.